june 2nd 2019 AD 2:29 am.
i am writing this as i am building this website. it is june second, in the year of our lord, 2019. im wearing insane clonw posse makeup in my bedroom at 2:29 am as taxi driver plays in the background. will my suffering ever end? probably not.
june 2nd 2019 AD 7:43 pm.
my sister is graduating this Friday, which is reminding me that I’ll be in junior year soon, and eventually turn 17. I didn’t think I’d make it this far. It sounds weird to say that, because I don’t know if most people feel the same way as me when it comes to not being completely sure if I’ll make it out of every year alive. I’ll die of embarrassment eventually. I try so hard to be nice, I’ve never treated someone with scorn or hatred on purpose. It hurts me so deep into my stomach to know how many people I’ve made cry. But because I try so hard to remind people that I love them, I end up pushing them away and hurting them in the process. I can only assume that it is this, because when I do hurt someone, they never have an answer as to how I did it. It’s only “Iris, I’m afraid of you, goodbye” or “I simply don’t feel anything for you anymore”. i can’t crawl outside of my body and see for myself what it is that I’m TRULY doing, and it makes me feel afraid of myself. what undertone am I subconsciously giving out to people through my actions that pushes them so far away from me? maybe I’ll find out someday. i can dream on, I guess. anyways, today- me, my mother, and my sister had to go to Vancouver for some hair modeling job my sister got. We were in the car, she was putting on makeup and we were talking about ‘the industry’ (which sounds stupid that she even calls it that, because it’s just acting that she was talking about, she doesn’t need to suck her own dick and try to sound cool in front of me and my mom of all people) and she told me that I knew nothing about movie making/acting and how it works. Like, okay, 5ahhsojn. You decided you wanted to be an actress less than a year ago and I’ve been studying cinema, acting, and direction for almost 7 years. But carry the fuck on. When you get to New York you’re gonna be knocked off your fucking high horse because everyone in Oregon made you think you were hot shit. When really, you were just an option. I have no reason to try to tell her the truth about how life will be for her when she gets there, she’ll be disappointed but I’ll leave THAT for her. That’ll be her graduation present. She tries so hard to make me feel dumb, it works sometimes. But I know that I’ve studied more and put my hours towards my dream of directing. She’s been in what, a few high school level stage productions and she thinks she’s Armand Artaud? Yeah. Right.
june 3rd 2019 AD 12:55 pm
as i write this, i'm sitting in my remedial geometry class thinking about how i'll probably graduate high school with straight D's. but at least i'll do it at all. yeah? thats all that matters, or at least thats all that should matter. comfort. is what i seek when i say that. even if i go to community college and continue being a wage cuck for dairy queen, it shouldn't matter as long as i'm getting a paycheck and going to class. the biggest relief i've gotten all year was finding out that i could get school credit for however many hours i work a job. since i'm gonna be working quite a lot this summer, i'll be able to save the pay stubs and use those to get more credit. well, i've gotta go finish my physics homework. i've ever done any geometry in this class, if i'm being honest. 7:42 pm i just got home from work. i wasn't scheduled in today, but caleb called in sick so i had to take the shift over. wasn't planning on having to do too much today but i'm glad i wasn't useless. it was kind of dead today, until a grandmother and son came in. i work at dairy queen, he ordered a large reeses blizzard and ate the entire thing and waited about 20 minutes to tell us before it was "wrong". he shows us the receipt, he says it was supposed to be a large mint oreo. i apologize profusely, and begin making it for him. i finish it, hand it to him, hear zero complaints or questions to confirm that it is, in fact, mint oreo. about 5 minutes passes, my coworker calls me over to the register and asks "cbsk, what did this kid order?" i say to him, the kid, and the grandmother "a large mint oreo". the grandmother asks him "is that what you ordered?" he says nothing but "i wanted a large royal oreo brownie". i was on the verge of going absolutely apoplectic at this point, but, i just smiled and said i'd go make it. and i did. and he got out, thank god. the rest of work was just me feeling kind of exhausted. but, i'm home now. i have work again tomorrow right after school. working helps me forget about how my life is. it makes me forget how much i miss everyone who has left me. it helps me forget that all my friends resent me, that my family is disappointed in me, that i don't even have enough money to afford pot. it makes me feel pathetic and worthless when i'm not working. even though, sometimes, work can be kind of degrading. we don't wear name tags, so sometimes when people wanna get my attention they'll just call me 'girl' and i hate it a little bit. whatever. i'll be able to drown it out eventually.
july 2nd, 2019 AD, 3:24 am
(archived letter as per recipients request)
august 5th, 2019 AD, 6:52 am
it was almost cosjdo. it was the upmost libertinistic moment of my life. indulging in my favorite hedonistic whim, letting go of all morality, feeling his hand strike across my face violently. leaving hickeys all over me. him, all over me. the best part of it all, is that due to the recent experience with the man we called "abba" i've been stuck in a puddle of feeling absolutely nothing! for no one! :) i've only been consuming diet pepsi and nicotine. i don't feel disgusted with myself. my religion is you. my religion is you. my religion is you. FUCK it feels so good. i love this feeling of freedom. this has been one of the most grotesque summers of my entire life but i've adored every moment. i owe evryone a great big apology for being such a disgusting freak, but no one is getting one. sometimes the feeling of hunger feels good. better than the feeling of fullness. better than the feeling of being unattractive. better than the feeling of someone not having the ability to throw you over their shoulder. scary monsters and super creeps! sometimes i feel like a scary monster. i dont really know if i am one anymore. my head is filled with disease. i miss my cat. summer is so beautiful no matter how in pain you are during it. and the weather is so breezy, man why can't life always be this easy! sometimes i get an overwhelming urge to take all my savings and runaway to tokyo or new york and just party until i die, no matter when that death may come. it makes no difference to me as long as my life feels like a page out of a book by my favorite author. being afraid of food is so horrifying :) why can't life always be this easy?
march 26th 2020 AD, 1:14 am
literally? do whatever the fuck you want to do. i've been quarantined for thirteen days! i've done nothing but smoke weed, paint, and obsess over the person i have a crush on. i took a really cute and nervous boys kissing virginity a couple weeks ago. he had no idea what to do, and i just went in and kissed him because why the fuck not. he'd been staring at me in class for weeks and it was about time someone said something, so i intervened. i kissed his cute face, i grabbed his ass, i absolutely adore him. really, i just adore males in general. masculine, sweet, nervous men :). really i'd die for them but it's so easy to make them wanna die for me, i just do that instead. i'm literally STUCK physically fucking stuck at a crossroads h0noestly i really don't give a shit about anything and just want to do everything i do for my own personal enjoyment ever. i don't ever want to think about anyone else. not while i'm stuck in here. i'm absolutely fucking sick of the annoying ass voice in my head that comes from comparison, i get this voice when i get bored, or when i'm not distracted enough to forget that comparison is possible.i;m bored of the feeling of comparison!! im done w her, i jsut want to be my own version of cool :// i want to be sexy like a supermodel but still intimidating and crunchy and leaving people guessing like i don't want to be stagnant even though i want to be still and calm. i wanna chill & exist in a manner that isn;t exhaustive or crazy but i also want to do literally every single thing that i want to do. and the problem is that i know that i can do everything i wanna do but it would mean that i'd have to exist in a manner that is exhaustive and crazy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!n what is fucking wrong with me. i'm not replacable or reversable. i love everything i do and i only do what the fuck i wanna do it'll staythat way i just have to go get high and worry about something more interesting like what that one instrument is in like the fourth layer of sidewalks by the weeknd??? someone please tell me if you end up reading this, someday. oh by the way america is quarantines right now. all of us, basically are supposed to be quarantined. all of oregon is definitely quarantined. no one is outside , for the most part. only essential function workers. some food places, grocery stores, pharmacies, weed stores. everything else is closed down!!!! im skeepy.